I didn’t think life would be this way. 5 years ago my dad passed away on new year’s eve with a heart attack, but with the help of my mum I got through it and started to feel like myself again. 

Until my mum got ill – she was told she had lung cancer, and for a couple of months she was fighting it until she passed away on March 28th 2019, and my older sister who is 26 had to take over looking after me and my 2 younger sister aged 13 & 11. 

It’s now been a full year since I have lost my mum, and things weren’t easy for me - I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions or thoughts at the best of times, but just as I felt like I was starting to find my feet again and start to feel better, then COVID-19 hits us. 

Never in my life did I think I would have to live through a pandemic - my older sister made us go into lockdown in the house so no one would get poorly. However, my 13 year old little sister Libby got poorly all of a sudden with a fever and breathing issues. 

She went into hospital on the 31st of March and they said it was really serious, but it wasn’t COVID, so she was taken to Bristol children hospital, and my older sister followed her. I was so worried, and she was so far away. My other younger sister cried so much and I didn’t know what to do to comfort her. 

I think the doctors said it was sepsis, but I still don’t really understand what happened. The first couple of weeks after were a bit of a daze…it didn’t feel real. It still doesn’t really, but we are all slowly starting to adjust. 

We had Libby’s funeral on the 6th May 2020, but due to the Coronavirus rules we were only allowed to have 10 people in the service, and it felt really unfair on Libby because she deserved to have something so much bigger – loads of people wanted to be there for her and for us, but they had to watch it live on a video link instead. 

Libby was cremated so we can put her ashes with my mum and dad so she isn’t on her own, which makes me feel a lot more better to know. The service was really hard for all of us. People said really nice things, but I couldn’t stop crying. They played the songs “Over The Rainbow” and “This is Me” as she loved them, which was really nice, but now every time I hear them they remind me of the service and I feel upset all over again.

These past few weeks have been hard, but I feel like I’ve had lots of practice at dealing with loss, so I kind of know what to expect now. We’ve been spending time remembering her and sharing our memories of her. 

She was the so nice as a sister, even though my older sister would say she was a bit of a drama queen when it came to following orders! She loved singing and making TikTok videos. The house is so quiet - everything is quieter without her. Libby made sure everyone was okay - she had a heart of gold. Like every 13 year old, she had her days where she was a little mouthy, and we did of course bicker a lot, but now I feel like I have lost a massive part of myself, as we did so much stuff together. I feel lost without her, and really confused - like it isn’t really happening - like she is out or away on holiday, and I still find myself forgetting that she won’t be walking back in the house again.

I wish things were different from me and my family. I don’t know why everyone I love keeps passing away. 

And now my other little sister is worried that she might die when she reaches 13. My older sister really does try to help us understand what has happened to Libby, and we talk about our parents and Libby all the time, even though it is still really hard. But it does help to talk about memories and listen to the songs that were play at their funerals. 

I don’t know why Libby passed away or why all the good people in the world are taken first, but I have started my counselling sessions again to talk about my feelings and how to overcome the struggles I face trying to keep my mental health up so I don’t struggle as badly as I have in the past.